Harmlessness and Perfection
by IlluminationImpact
Summary: Backgrounds and stories don't have much meaning anymore, but for some, your story is all you have. Rated M for violence and language that may worsen as more chapters are added
1. Chapter 1

Harmlessness and Perfection

_By Illumination_

** This story was written for Fluttershy from MLP, neither of which I own. I made up the other characters mentioned, but the concept still belongs to MLP. Enjoy**

I

I remember how my step-sister never slept either, but she was different from me in this way as well. She always had energy that forbade her from sleep, and when I was lying awake at night I'd hear her sneaking out of the house through the hall window. When I stare at the ceiling fan now, feeling the hours peeling away, I wonder if all insomniacs are like Flickerkite, blessed with energy, or if they are like me, restlessly exhausted as we suffocate under a heavy grey blanket of sleeplessness.

I remember my real mother. She was generous and understanding, and she was the best friend I ever had. Homeflight: that was her name.

I remember her hind hooves suspended in the air, two feet from my face. Her neck was held in an odd position, one that was awkward in correspondence with the peaceful expression on her face. She might've been sleeping, with a face like that, chin tucked snuggly into the rope around her neck.

I don't remember much after that.

My life from that point skipped beats: It was like I took a nap that day and when I awoke I was already eight years old and my father was remarrying. I didn't like her: that new pony he married. She smelled bad and she never remembered my name. I asked my father when she would leave, and he said she wasn't going to leave.

He said she was my new mommy.

On my tenth birthday, "new mommy" and my father were yelling. My father had ended the argument by screaming "Then get the fuck out of my house.", and when I saw "mommy" start to storm past me to go pack her things, I shot her a triumphant smile.

Her hind hooves were in my ribs by then, and I hit my head hard on the wall before I fell to the ground. My father had only watched. Watched and said nothing while I lay on the kitchen floor crying. Watched and did nothing, until the front door slammed, and he finally moved, but not towards me: he headed for the doorway and, switching off the lights, told me to go to bed.

My father remarried again after that. This time he married a pony who seemed decent enough, but I never talked to her. I was too scared to know her, or worse yet, have her know me. But I did manage to open up to Flickerkite, her daughter. Flickerkite was only a year old than I was, but by the way she acted she seemed nearly twice my age: She hung out with a strange group of ponies from the nearby high school, and she had many body piercings and tattoos on her snowy white hide. She had a short, red shot of mane with a red tail braded into a single long strand, with dull green eyes.

Flickerkite was a Pegasus just like me, and sometimes when we got home from school we would go flying together. But it wasn't just flying that Flickerkite and I had in common: I found out that she also doesn't sleep at night. Flickerkite had told me that this was something called Insomnia, and it was a medical disorder. At the sound of that I had gotten scared, and asked her if I should tell my father about it, but Flickerkite would always tell me no, we haven't got a need to tell our parents anything, and that I should learn to live my own life. I had always wondered what she meant by that.


	2. Chapter 2

** I don't own My Little Pony, or any of its characters, but of course you knew that already. Very quickly guys, I wanted to give a shout out to Somniac7, who is pretty damn cool, so go check him out (copy and paste the link in your URL search box to find it. Trust me, it's worth it): **** u/4415649/**

**I'd recommend other MLP fics, but all the good ones I know of are probably ones you guys have read too, like the Rainbow Factory, My Little Dashie, Somewhere Only We Know and so on and so forth. **

**Anyway, here's the second chapter of the much less popular, Harmlessness and Perfection. By the way, I'm not satisfied with that title and I want to change it, but I can't think of a good one to change it to, so if you think of one please feel free to post it in the reviews and I will give you credit in the next chapter :3)**

Harmlessness and Perfection 

_By Illumination_

II

Last time it happened, not much blood came out. At first I just thought I hadn't cut deep enough, and I retraced the lines of the cut. A bit more reward spilled forth, but it didn't seem enough for how close I had gotten to the bone: I could feel it, the small ache in my left hoof that I always felt when I cut too deep. _It's too deep. _That thought used to scare me, but that time the thought was countered by _it's not enough. It's not enough, and I need more. _

So now I wonder if there will come a time when I can't be satisfied with the blood that comes out and I'll have to do something more, but I'm scared. I don't think I want to die, and I know I might scare easy, but the thought of being dead truly does frighten me. However, I'm not satisfied with living either, and I learned that cutting was a way to feel better. I've been cutting to feel better since I was a filly, starting about a week after Flickerkite overdosed on crystal meth.

…

Last time I was willing to talk to someone was before that time: the time when I cut too deep without getting enough blood. It was Rainbowdash. She looked at me and smiled – I like it when she smiles at me – and she said: "Hey Fluttershy, want to hang out?" I smiled back and said okay, then lifted into the air to follow her, expecting her to challenge me to a race or game of some kind.

We flew for a while, feeling warmth of the low evening light radiate off of the shallow wisps of clouds that littered the sky before us: I could hear night critters begin to stir and the voices of ponies as they finished their day. It was so tranquil that I hadn't realized we had been flying like that for over half an hour. Finally Rainbowdash glanced at me, then glanced to a broad, white cloud ahead of us, and hovered over to it and landed gracefully. I followed her example and we laid there for a while, watching the crimson evening breeze gently nudge away the clouds along with the sunlight, and out on the horizon I could see a thin ridge of indigo peaking through. Finally I heard Rainbowdash sigh softly, and she turned to me and said:

"Fluttershy, if anything happens to you, or you feel like you need to tell me something, then don't you dare hesitate to let me know, okay?"

My ears perked up, and I was surprised and just a little bit confused by what she said. Then my ears fell back again as I cautiously stretched my head forward, hoping Rainbowdash was planning to continue because I didn't know how to respond.

"Because I'm your friend, Fluttershy." Rainbow said. "And I will always be there for you, no matter what, okay?"

She put her hoof around my shoulder and I nodded, not able to form words after seeing the sadness in her eyes.

So I guess they're starting to notice.

...

I didn't meet Applejack's eye when I spoke to her.

I didn't show up for an arrangement I made with Rarity.

I gave short, cold answers to Twilight when she asked me something.

I couldn't even pretend to laugh at Pinkie Pie's jokes.

Sometimes I found myself avoiding Rainbowdash.

These are my friends, and I love them dearly, but something inside me doesn't. Something inside me doesn't want anything to do with them, and wants a razor to be my new best friend. The place in my chest that used to be so warmed by their voices now only grows colder.

I look at them and I try to force a smile.

And it grows colder.

They talk to me and I end up wanting to be somewhere else.

And it grows colder.

I stray a glance upon their eyes and I see disappointment and confusion

And it grows colder.

So I lock myself in my room and cut the guilt away

I'm so cold.


End file.
